Another small mess.

My best friend says, "You're stupid".
I just sit here and blame cupid.
I know that she is right and I should be smarter.
I just don't think doing that could be harder.
I've thrown away guys who were much better than him.
Why can't I throw away another? He tends to be so grim.
He never is what he seems.
He never seems to corespondent with my dreams.
And yet he won't leave my mind.
Like a disease that leaves marks behind.
Maybe he's right, I might be broken.
I am anything but soft spoken.
I can be weird and a little crude.
You can rarely find me being rude.
Sure I have my obsessions and my mind is a mess.
I give in to old problems, that is something I confess.
I know the problems are coming back and harder.
I don't blame him, I wish I could, but here I am a martyr.
Giving up something that means so much to me.
Just because my oldest friend tells me I can succeed.
Maybe if you look perfect she says he might believe.
That he might love you if you just concede.
Control is key in this world and you must be strong.
You can be better and you've thought about it all along.
But I will work and do my best.
To not become another small mess.

Keep it forever, remember me always.

This used to be a very common sentence in my everyday life. I think it was my old friend Joey who first said this to me. Him, his girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time, they both were) and I were walking around Punxsy. While on our walk he found two very small air soft gun pellets? Bullets? Whatever. He picked them both up and said, "Keep this forever, remember me always. Now this was really something for him to say. He was not a emotional guy. He was the jock of our group and didn't really show emotion, I think that is why we got along so well. When he said that to me I put it in my pocket and the second I got home I put it in one of my many memory boxes. I still have it to this day even though this has been about 6 years ago and I don't really talk to him much anymore.

After that it kind of became our thing. We would find random things and give it to one of the others and say that sentence. It was about everytime we hung out someone got something to keep forever. Most of the stuff was food and we just ate it believing we would keep it always in us but others were not. I have many things from those to people that I truly still love. I kind of wish we never drifted apart. We didn't fight or anything it is just growing up. After I went to college Jamie (Joeys girlfriend) started hanging out with a different crowd. A very bad crowd in my opinion. And Joey and her broke up before that and the same happened with him. Growing into adults is a hard task and I will always charich the time I had with them as teenagers.

I started thinking about this for two reasons. 1. My pants ripped today. Now that might seem stupid but my thing was that when the bottom of my jeans ripped off I would give it to one of them and say that. We all had braclets of the bottoms of each others jeans. It was kind of our inside joke about being so short. We were all under 5'6". 2. I started to pack a package to send to a good friend of mine and although it was something I made I wanted to make it a little more personal. Why not make the best of sending a package across the continental US? So I am trying to find something to send him with that sentence.

I find that friends don't always last forever but somethings will. Then you can look back on them with fond memories. =D

I am feeling a bit nostalgic.

So I went down to my old house today to pick up some of my summer clothes. While I was down there I was going through my closet. I found one of my old memory boxes that I had tucked away because it was from a while ago. Mainly it was from shows from years ago. Anyway, I had this best friend about 6 years ago, she and I did shows together and that is how we meet. We were best friends for about 3 years. She was a huge part of my life and we were always together.

So I found this memory box. In it was a bunch of show scripts that I had. Also there was these things that we did. We made a scrap book for every show and put in it pictures from that show and quotes we had and favorite lines from it. It made me think of how much fun we had together and how we had lost that over some stupid fight within the group that we made.

I had become friends with another girl from the group and we got really close. And the group kind of split in half. Four with her and four with me. She fought with them over me for a while and then just gave up. I felt bad but she was doing one of the things I despise in a friend. She was putting her boyfriend before her best friends. I hate that. I always said I would never do that and I would never let a guy come between me and a friend again. Sadly it takes two to keep that from happening. And it seems to be happening again. However this time I don't have other friends to take my side and fall back on.

I think I might give these old "friends" a call or something and see if they want to hang out. We have all grown and have learned a lot. I think we can be at least civil to one another.

I say that once you have a good friend they change you in some one and you can never forget that. So I think it would be good to talk to them again and try to work things out. Even if it has been years. I like to be able to look back on my memories and be happy. However when I look back on so many good times I am sad because I think about how we never talk and how we used to be so close. It reminds me of a quote I heard somewhere. "We always thought we would look back on our tears and laugh. We never thought we would look back on our laughter and cry." I don't want that to be the way it is. I think I am going to give it a try. Both sides were wrong and we all know that. We just didn't have enough maturity to fix it then. I think we do now.

Wish me luck.

I ask a lot of questions.

I do ask a lot of questions. I think I do that because I really love to learn. I also want to learn what other people think. It is kind of what I do. I like to learn about people. And I am generally not happy unless I am learning something about the person I am talking to. There are a few people that I can talk to and have really meaningful conversations with that I don't really learn much about them. However that doesn't happen often.

I talk to guys way more than I talk to girls. Mainly because for some reason girls don't amuse me as much. I don't know why. Anywho, I talked to something like 5 different guys today and learned something about each one of them. 4 out of the 5 guys I talked to I meet on this fun pen pal website. It is a fun site and have gotten a lot of email pen pals and a few snail mail pen pals.

The first guy I talk to from the website is fun. He is from Washington and is nothing at all like me. He likes cars and stuff. That kind of thing I have no interest in. But we have good conversations mainly because he is someone that I can talk to about seizures. He has them too and that is how we kind of bonded. We talk everyday and he is fun to talk to.

The second guy I talk to a lot from this site. Is also very interesting. He is more like myself. He lives in PA. He likes to talk about Philosophy and Psychology and he knows what he is talking about. So that is very interesting to me. We both read an article on the differences between men car shopping and women car shopping. Then we had a very good talk about it. He asked me out today. But I don't know if I want that or not. *shrugs* We have only been talking for a few days though.

The third guy I talk to is fun. We are both addicted to this TV show Criminal Minds. We like to talk about that. We also like to talk about books. I love a guy who can talk about books and that can actually have an intelligent conversation about them. I have learned a lot about books from him. And he has good recommendations.

However the fourth guy is my favorite to talk to from this site and I talk to him the least out of all of them. He is in the army and isn't online much. It's really sad. But he emails me mostly everyday and we talk about stuff that I don't really talk about with anyone else. Every time I get an email from him I get happy. I don't know how I can feel so close to someone that I have never meet and only talk to once or twice a day. It's weird. But one thing I have learned from him is that I should really take life in a more optimistic mood. He is someone that reminds me that there is someone out there that is always having a worse day than I am. Also, he makes me not want to take people for granted. I should be happy that I have people who love me right here. And I don't have to worry about never seeing them again. I have learned the most from him and I don't think he meant to teach me these things. But he has.

The the guy that isn't from this site I meet through a friend. He is amazing and is always teaching me something new. I love that about him. We talk about books and dreams and music and school. He can always make me happy. And that is something that is hard to do. I am very lucky to have found him. He puts up with my bitching even though I know he doesn't enjoy hearing about stuff. He also reminds me that I am a strong person and gives me a virtual hug when I need it.

This blog was more for myself than for anyone to read. But feel free to leave a comment. I just like to do these to remind myself why I talk to people.

A love story that I didn't write.

I found this love story and I really love it. It is so sweet and amazing and made me feel happy. That's all I really have to say about it. I just thought I would share it with you all. It is amazing.



Short Love Story

Random Video of me and Sara!

Okay so this is a video of Sara and I in Seattle that Ahren took. We are sitting under a whale fine sing the Fresh Prince of Bel air theme. I don't remember why. I just thought this was fun and random and I like to share. So here it is. Hope you like it.

I can be whatever you want me to be.

From a young age I learned that changing yourself for people is the way to go. I just recently started to be myself around people because I thought people would love me for who I was. I guess I was wrong. My talent of being able to fit in with any group is good. I can see what people want and I can give it to them. I think I am going to have to go back to that because being myself is not working out. I know that my real personality is boring and a little dry but being me felt kind of good.

So this is a goodbye to Julia because only a few people accept me for who I am and I am sick of not being liked or talked to.

Here is to going back to caring about what people think of me. *sigh*

If you do happen to be one of the few people that care about me for me leave me a comment and I will just be myself around you. (aka, Danny and Sarah)

The End.