Something happened to me today and I felt in a sharing mood.

So something in my world happened to me today and it got me thinking. If you know me at all you pretty much know that I have this wall built up from people. I don't let people into my life on a whim. I have a theory of why this is. If you want to hear keep reading.

I have a congenital condition called something big that I can't spell. In layman's terms I was born without the roof of my mouth. I almost died and they had to build me one out of the skin of my cheeks. Gross I know.

Anywho, I went through something like 10 surgeries before I was 6 years old. And then 2 more after that. I was always told to be a big girl. I was never one to complain. I think that because of so much physical and emotional pain that I had from such an early age I just built this wall to protect myself. I have this kind of happy place in my head where I go. It is just a night sky. I can go there when I need to and I just feel numb. I like it and I also know that it is psychologically unhealthy to be able to detach yourself from life. I have many fears that draw from these experiences. I hate hospitals and I tend to start to hypervanilate when I see anyone in a lab coat. I hate having my mouth closed because of how much time I spent with my jaw wired shut. I also think this is one reason I don't talk that much. I have, from and early age, not been able to talk.

I do however take something good out of this. First of all I am alive. And second I personally think it has helped me to be a good actor. I can shut my own feelings and emotions off and just be who I want to be. The downside to this is I tend to come off fake in real life.

So the bad thing that happened today was that I burned the roof of my mouth so bad that it bleed. And my parents said that if it doesn't heal correctly I would have to go to the doctor and odds are I would have to have another surgery. I am freaking out and my best friend is going to learn about this from a blog. If she reads my blogs. I am not sure if she does or not.

Pushing to be better?

I was thinking about people that push you to be better. I was asked today why a lot of poor people tend to do better in school then the richer people. It got me thinking. I always believed that the reason I did well in school was because I worked for it. I want to believe I did this for myself but in reality I really didn't. I don't find grades to be that important. I find that the person you are is much more important.

The people that pushed me to do well with anything that I tried to do were my parents. I know most parents push there kids to do well. But my parents are the kind that they kind of categorize myself and my siblings.

My sister was the musical one. Anyone who knows her knows this is true. She can play anything and has one of the best singing voices I have heard in real life. She is very good at music.

My brother is the brain. He is very smart and is considered a genius. He is almost done with college to be a computer techy person. I don't even understand what he does. He can hack and build them and fix them. Like my sister with music he can do anything that has to do with computers.

Me? Well I was the jock. But being the baby in my family I had to live up to being as good as my older brother and sister in their fields. I was the semi-pro ballet dancer, the softball player, the tennis player. I also had to be the theater geek, band geek, and all around nerd. Not that I hate these things. I love music and theater. I also love reading. I just really didn't have much of a childhood.

I know a lot of kids do a lot of things. But most of my elementary/Middle school life this was my schedule.

Wake up at 6 get on the bus and get to school. Do school until 3. Right from school to dance practice for 3 hours. After that I got a sandwich in the car on the way to theater practice. While I was not on stage I was backstage doing homework or reading Shakespeare. At 10 get home and in bed. Repeat.

When I decided that I wanted to quit the dance team my parents, my Dad in particular, was very disappointed. I didn't really have that much time for friends and I was getting to the stage where I wasn't just happy living in books. And the few friends I did have were not my own age. They were much older than myself, they were mainly from theater.

My parents kept trying to pressure me to get back in to a dance team. I was good at it. I know this and I liked doing it but not at the expense of my own life. 3 hours of practice everyday and a 6 hour practice on Saturdays was just a little much for me to handle. And I had to face it that even if I got to be professional after about 10 years my job is over and you become too old and no good.

So my question is that is good to push your kids to do something that they may be very good at but is not the best for them emotionally? I don't think kids are something to be molded. I think they need to find their own way. I am not saying I wouldn't encourage my potential kids to do whatever they wanted and to do it well. But I am saying that putting your kids in a certain label is wrong. Any thoughts?

Old blog revised.

So I wrote this blog over a year ago. I wrote it because I wanted to show some old friends how I felt. It is sad that friendships can fall apart. I for one have had too many to let myself do it willingly again. I went through a lot with the people I wrote this for. We went through teasing and being made fun of for many reasons.

For being gay/bi, for shopping at thrift stores instead of American Eagle, for being nerds, for instead of getting drunk on a Friday night we went and gave free hugs in the park or just watched a movie and went bowling. We were weird, and everyone knew it. A huge part of my life was them and now we don't talk. It's sad. And if I find someone who I think I want to be friends with I try my hardest to make it work out. But as this shows it takes two people to do that.



I broke a glass....I know...it sucks...but I was cleaning it up and thinking. I have to keep this journal for my college writing class. As my religion prof from last semester said " He turned off your radio." " He sent you to hell" The reason he said this was when he made us write a paper about what our meaning in life was. But I am feeling the same way about this journal. He turned off my damn radio!

So back to what I was saying. I was thinking about this journal entry that I had to get done. While I was picking up this glass I was thinking about relationships. Friendships to be exact. Putting this stupid glass would be easier than putting a broken friendship back together. Then i thought that is only true if it was:

A> Not meant to be at all

B> The other person did not want it to be put back together

I would love to hear what you all have to say about this. I wish for no one to have to have people you once loved hate you and not even return your emails.

I was also thinking that is it worth the cuts for said glass? If the answer is B then I would have to say no. But I would never answer B to anyone that I once loved. For somewhere in my heart I still have a piece there for them. Because if you loved them then they changed your life in some way.


Another thing....Never say forever unless you mean FOREVER

Okay, I am a slacker.

I have been slacking off on this BEDA thing. I think I kind of gave up. I hate trying to actually make myself do something and then not actually doing it. I think I am going to try to get back into it. However, I don't really have an all the interesting life unless you want to hear my views on a lot of things that we talk about in Ethics. I try not to put my opinion out where it might hurt someone. So I tend to keep what we talk about in that class to myself. Contravertial topics are not something I like to talk about. Maybe that is why I am kind of boring. I would much rather talk about things that very people disagree with me on. Like food, or books. Maybe I will start talking about something else. If anyone has any ideas please leave me a comment and I will blog about my thoughts on them! It will be fun...or something. Anywho, Peace everyone!

Ethics....and some sex

So...I was trying to figure out what to blog about and a friend suggested sex. I am not so experienced in this area, so I was like....YEAH RIGHT! But then I got to thinking about it. My Ethics class tends to talk about sex a lot. So while studying for my exam I decided to tell you a little about what we have been talking about.

We learned about a theory called Utilitarianism. The main idea to this is to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. So I am sure you can figure out how 60 college students took that. We quickly got on to the topic of sex and relationships. Okay I lied...just sex. This class is a lot about in class discussions. Anywho, there are two main theorist to this.

Bentham: Which is considered the "hedonistic" approach to Utilitarianism.
He believes that pleasure is in quantity! As much of a good thing as you can stand.

John Stuart Mill: Which is the "refined" approach to Utilitarianism.
He believes that pleasure is in quality.

Needless to say, I learned a little too much about some of the people in my class. WAY too much when we got onto the topic of sex and Bentham.

I really enjoy this class. This is probably a very boring blog. But I like to talk about Ethics and there are so many theories to cover. Hope you learned something!