Something happened to me today and I felt in a sharing mood.

So something in my world happened to me today and it got me thinking. If you know me at all you pretty much know that I have this wall built up from people. I don't let people into my life on a whim. I have a theory of why this is. If you want to hear keep reading.

I have a congenital condition called something big that I can't spell. In layman's terms I was born without the roof of my mouth. I almost died and they had to build me one out of the skin of my cheeks. Gross I know.

Anywho, I went through something like 10 surgeries before I was 6 years old. And then 2 more after that. I was always told to be a big girl. I was never one to complain. I think that because of so much physical and emotional pain that I had from such an early age I just built this wall to protect myself. I have this kind of happy place in my head where I go. It is just a night sky. I can go there when I need to and I just feel numb. I like it and I also know that it is psychologically unhealthy to be able to detach yourself from life. I have many fears that draw from these experiences. I hate hospitals and I tend to start to hypervanilate when I see anyone in a lab coat. I hate having my mouth closed because of how much time I spent with my jaw wired shut. I also think this is one reason I don't talk that much. I have, from and early age, not been able to talk.

I do however take something good out of this. First of all I am alive. And second I personally think it has helped me to be a good actor. I can shut my own feelings and emotions off and just be who I want to be. The downside to this is I tend to come off fake in real life.

So the bad thing that happened today was that I burned the roof of my mouth so bad that it bleed. And my parents said that if it doesn't heal correctly I would have to go to the doctor and odds are I would have to have another surgery. I am freaking out and my best friend is going to learn about this from a blog. If she reads my blogs. I am not sure if she does or not.