Keep it forever, remember me always.

This used to be a very common sentence in my everyday life. I think it was my old friend Joey who first said this to me. Him, his girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time, they both were) and I were walking around Punxsy. While on our walk he found two very small air soft gun pellets? Bullets? Whatever. He picked them both up and said, "Keep this forever, remember me always. Now this was really something for him to say. He was not a emotional guy. He was the jock of our group and didn't really show emotion, I think that is why we got along so well. When he said that to me I put it in my pocket and the second I got home I put it in one of my many memory boxes. I still have it to this day even though this has been about 6 years ago and I don't really talk to him much anymore.

After that it kind of became our thing. We would find random things and give it to one of the others and say that sentence. It was about everytime we hung out someone got something to keep forever. Most of the stuff was food and we just ate it believing we would keep it always in us but others were not. I have many things from those to people that I truly still love. I kind of wish we never drifted apart. We didn't fight or anything it is just growing up. After I went to college Jamie (Joeys girlfriend) started hanging out with a different crowd. A very bad crowd in my opinion. And Joey and her broke up before that and the same happened with him. Growing into adults is a hard task and I will always charich the time I had with them as teenagers.

I started thinking about this for two reasons. 1. My pants ripped today. Now that might seem stupid but my thing was that when the bottom of my jeans ripped off I would give it to one of them and say that. We all had braclets of the bottoms of each others jeans. It was kind of our inside joke about being so short. We were all under 5'6". 2. I started to pack a package to send to a good friend of mine and although it was something I made I wanted to make it a little more personal. Why not make the best of sending a package across the continental US? So I am trying to find something to send him with that sentence.

I find that friends don't always last forever but somethings will. Then you can look back on them with fond memories. =D

I am feeling a bit nostalgic.

So I went down to my old house today to pick up some of my summer clothes. While I was down there I was going through my closet. I found one of my old memory boxes that I had tucked away because it was from a while ago. Mainly it was from shows from years ago. Anyway, I had this best friend about 6 years ago, she and I did shows together and that is how we meet. We were best friends for about 3 years. She was a huge part of my life and we were always together.

So I found this memory box. In it was a bunch of show scripts that I had. Also there was these things that we did. We made a scrap book for every show and put in it pictures from that show and quotes we had and favorite lines from it. It made me think of how much fun we had together and how we had lost that over some stupid fight within the group that we made.

I had become friends with another girl from the group and we got really close. And the group kind of split in half. Four with her and four with me. She fought with them over me for a while and then just gave up. I felt bad but she was doing one of the things I despise in a friend. She was putting her boyfriend before her best friends. I hate that. I always said I would never do that and I would never let a guy come between me and a friend again. Sadly it takes two to keep that from happening. And it seems to be happening again. However this time I don't have other friends to take my side and fall back on.

I think I might give these old "friends" a call or something and see if they want to hang out. We have all grown and have learned a lot. I think we can be at least civil to one another.

I say that once you have a good friend they change you in some one and you can never forget that. So I think it would be good to talk to them again and try to work things out. Even if it has been years. I like to be able to look back on my memories and be happy. However when I look back on so many good times I am sad because I think about how we never talk and how we used to be so close. It reminds me of a quote I heard somewhere. "We always thought we would look back on our tears and laugh. We never thought we would look back on our laughter and cry." I don't want that to be the way it is. I think I am going to give it a try. Both sides were wrong and we all know that. We just didn't have enough maturity to fix it then. I think we do now.

Wish me luck.

I ask a lot of questions.

I do ask a lot of questions. I think I do that because I really love to learn. I also want to learn what other people think. It is kind of what I do. I like to learn about people. And I am generally not happy unless I am learning something about the person I am talking to. There are a few people that I can talk to and have really meaningful conversations with that I don't really learn much about them. However that doesn't happen often.

I talk to guys way more than I talk to girls. Mainly because for some reason girls don't amuse me as much. I don't know why. Anywho, I talked to something like 5 different guys today and learned something about each one of them. 4 out of the 5 guys I talked to I meet on this fun pen pal website. It is a fun site and have gotten a lot of email pen pals and a few snail mail pen pals.

The first guy I talk to from the website is fun. He is from Washington and is nothing at all like me. He likes cars and stuff. That kind of thing I have no interest in. But we have good conversations mainly because he is someone that I can talk to about seizures. He has them too and that is how we kind of bonded. We talk everyday and he is fun to talk to.

The second guy I talk to a lot from this site. Is also very interesting. He is more like myself. He lives in PA. He likes to talk about Philosophy and Psychology and he knows what he is talking about. So that is very interesting to me. We both read an article on the differences between men car shopping and women car shopping. Then we had a very good talk about it. He asked me out today. But I don't know if I want that or not. *shrugs* We have only been talking for a few days though.

The third guy I talk to is fun. We are both addicted to this TV show Criminal Minds. We like to talk about that. We also like to talk about books. I love a guy who can talk about books and that can actually have an intelligent conversation about them. I have learned a lot about books from him. And he has good recommendations.

However the fourth guy is my favorite to talk to from this site and I talk to him the least out of all of them. He is in the army and isn't online much. It's really sad. But he emails me mostly everyday and we talk about stuff that I don't really talk about with anyone else. Every time I get an email from him I get happy. I don't know how I can feel so close to someone that I have never meet and only talk to once or twice a day. It's weird. But one thing I have learned from him is that I should really take life in a more optimistic mood. He is someone that reminds me that there is someone out there that is always having a worse day than I am. Also, he makes me not want to take people for granted. I should be happy that I have people who love me right here. And I don't have to worry about never seeing them again. I have learned the most from him and I don't think he meant to teach me these things. But he has.

The the guy that isn't from this site I meet through a friend. He is amazing and is always teaching me something new. I love that about him. We talk about books and dreams and music and school. He can always make me happy. And that is something that is hard to do. I am very lucky to have found him. He puts up with my bitching even though I know he doesn't enjoy hearing about stuff. He also reminds me that I am a strong person and gives me a virtual hug when I need it.

This blog was more for myself than for anyone to read. But feel free to leave a comment. I just like to do these to remind myself why I talk to people.

A love story that I didn't write.

I found this love story and I really love it. It is so sweet and amazing and made me feel happy. That's all I really have to say about it. I just thought I would share it with you all. It is amazing.



Short Love Story

Random Video of me and Sara!

Okay so this is a video of Sara and I in Seattle that Ahren took. We are sitting under a whale fine sing the Fresh Prince of Bel air theme. I don't remember why. I just thought this was fun and random and I like to share. So here it is. Hope you like it.

I can be whatever you want me to be.

From a young age I learned that changing yourself for people is the way to go. I just recently started to be myself around people because I thought people would love me for who I was. I guess I was wrong. My talent of being able to fit in with any group is good. I can see what people want and I can give it to them. I think I am going to have to go back to that because being myself is not working out. I know that my real personality is boring and a little dry but being me felt kind of good.

So this is a goodbye to Julia because only a few people accept me for who I am and I am sick of not being liked or talked to.

Here is to going back to caring about what people think of me. *sigh*

If you do happen to be one of the few people that care about me for me leave me a comment and I will just be myself around you. (aka, Danny and Sarah)

The End.

Psychological test about my friends.

So I found this amazing website that does personality test. It tells you about yourself in a psychological way. I love it and messed around with it with Sarah, Sara, and Ahren last night. But I found this one thing that I really liked. However some of the things are inaccurate I still found it very interesting. I had to put people to colors. Here is what I got.

Red: Danny
Blue: Nick
White: Ahren
Yellow: Sarah
Green: Jeffrey
Orange: Sara

And here is what it says about these people:

Danny- the person who you love. ( This is true. I do love Danny! :)!!!!)
Nick- the person who you seem to have a difficult relationship with. (also very true)
Ahren- the person who is your soul mate. (uhm...not true)
Sarah-the person who will never forget about you. ( I believe this is true!)
Jeffrey-the person who you will remember for the rest of your life. (Very true)
Sara- your true friend. (YAY...True)

The fun thing was that Sara's answer for orange was me! That is awesome. But I think she should have had what I had for white. Just sayin.

So I thought this was interesting. If you would like to check this out and/or play around with other things on this site it is rather fun! It tells you a lot about yourself that you might not notice. I always like learning new things. Here is the linky link.

http://www.personalityquiz.net/

Have fun and learn something!

Something happened to me today and I felt in a sharing mood.

So something in my world happened to me today and it got me thinking. If you know me at all you pretty much know that I have this wall built up from people. I don't let people into my life on a whim. I have a theory of why this is. If you want to hear keep reading.

I have a congenital condition called something big that I can't spell. In layman's terms I was born without the roof of my mouth. I almost died and they had to build me one out of the skin of my cheeks. Gross I know.

Anywho, I went through something like 10 surgeries before I was 6 years old. And then 2 more after that. I was always told to be a big girl. I was never one to complain. I think that because of so much physical and emotional pain that I had from such an early age I just built this wall to protect myself. I have this kind of happy place in my head where I go. It is just a night sky. I can go there when I need to and I just feel numb. I like it and I also know that it is psychologically unhealthy to be able to detach yourself from life. I have many fears that draw from these experiences. I hate hospitals and I tend to start to hypervanilate when I see anyone in a lab coat. I hate having my mouth closed because of how much time I spent with my jaw wired shut. I also think this is one reason I don't talk that much. I have, from and early age, not been able to talk.

I do however take something good out of this. First of all I am alive. And second I personally think it has helped me to be a good actor. I can shut my own feelings and emotions off and just be who I want to be. The downside to this is I tend to come off fake in real life.

So the bad thing that happened today was that I burned the roof of my mouth so bad that it bleed. And my parents said that if it doesn't heal correctly I would have to go to the doctor and odds are I would have to have another surgery. I am freaking out and my best friend is going to learn about this from a blog. If she reads my blogs. I am not sure if she does or not.

Pushing to be better?

I was thinking about people that push you to be better. I was asked today why a lot of poor people tend to do better in school then the richer people. It got me thinking. I always believed that the reason I did well in school was because I worked for it. I want to believe I did this for myself but in reality I really didn't. I don't find grades to be that important. I find that the person you are is much more important.

The people that pushed me to do well with anything that I tried to do were my parents. I know most parents push there kids to do well. But my parents are the kind that they kind of categorize myself and my siblings.

My sister was the musical one. Anyone who knows her knows this is true. She can play anything and has one of the best singing voices I have heard in real life. She is very good at music.

My brother is the brain. He is very smart and is considered a genius. He is almost done with college to be a computer techy person. I don't even understand what he does. He can hack and build them and fix them. Like my sister with music he can do anything that has to do with computers.

Me? Well I was the jock. But being the baby in my family I had to live up to being as good as my older brother and sister in their fields. I was the semi-pro ballet dancer, the softball player, the tennis player. I also had to be the theater geek, band geek, and all around nerd. Not that I hate these things. I love music and theater. I also love reading. I just really didn't have much of a childhood.

I know a lot of kids do a lot of things. But most of my elementary/Middle school life this was my schedule.

Wake up at 6 get on the bus and get to school. Do school until 3. Right from school to dance practice for 3 hours. After that I got a sandwich in the car on the way to theater practice. While I was not on stage I was backstage doing homework or reading Shakespeare. At 10 get home and in bed. Repeat.

When I decided that I wanted to quit the dance team my parents, my Dad in particular, was very disappointed. I didn't really have that much time for friends and I was getting to the stage where I wasn't just happy living in books. And the few friends I did have were not my own age. They were much older than myself, they were mainly from theater.

My parents kept trying to pressure me to get back in to a dance team. I was good at it. I know this and I liked doing it but not at the expense of my own life. 3 hours of practice everyday and a 6 hour practice on Saturdays was just a little much for me to handle. And I had to face it that even if I got to be professional after about 10 years my job is over and you become too old and no good.

So my question is that is good to push your kids to do something that they may be very good at but is not the best for them emotionally? I don't think kids are something to be molded. I think they need to find their own way. I am not saying I wouldn't encourage my potential kids to do whatever they wanted and to do it well. But I am saying that putting your kids in a certain label is wrong. Any thoughts?

Old blog revised.

So I wrote this blog over a year ago. I wrote it because I wanted to show some old friends how I felt. It is sad that friendships can fall apart. I for one have had too many to let myself do it willingly again. I went through a lot with the people I wrote this for. We went through teasing and being made fun of for many reasons.

For being gay/bi, for shopping at thrift stores instead of American Eagle, for being nerds, for instead of getting drunk on a Friday night we went and gave free hugs in the park or just watched a movie and went bowling. We were weird, and everyone knew it. A huge part of my life was them and now we don't talk. It's sad. And if I find someone who I think I want to be friends with I try my hardest to make it work out. But as this shows it takes two people to do that.



I broke a glass....I know...it sucks...but I was cleaning it up and thinking. I have to keep this journal for my college writing class. As my religion prof from last semester said " He turned off your radio." " He sent you to hell" The reason he said this was when he made us write a paper about what our meaning in life was. But I am feeling the same way about this journal. He turned off my damn radio!

So back to what I was saying. I was thinking about this journal entry that I had to get done. While I was picking up this glass I was thinking about relationships. Friendships to be exact. Putting this stupid glass would be easier than putting a broken friendship back together. Then i thought that is only true if it was:

A> Not meant to be at all

B> The other person did not want it to be put back together

I would love to hear what you all have to say about this. I wish for no one to have to have people you once loved hate you and not even return your emails.

I was also thinking that is it worth the cuts for said glass? If the answer is B then I would have to say no. But I would never answer B to anyone that I once loved. For somewhere in my heart I still have a piece there for them. Because if you loved them then they changed your life in some way.


Another thing....Never say forever unless you mean FOREVER

Okay, I am a slacker.

I have been slacking off on this BEDA thing. I think I kind of gave up. I hate trying to actually make myself do something and then not actually doing it. I think I am going to try to get back into it. However, I don't really have an all the interesting life unless you want to hear my views on a lot of things that we talk about in Ethics. I try not to put my opinion out where it might hurt someone. So I tend to keep what we talk about in that class to myself. Contravertial topics are not something I like to talk about. Maybe that is why I am kind of boring. I would much rather talk about things that very people disagree with me on. Like food, or books. Maybe I will start talking about something else. If anyone has any ideas please leave me a comment and I will blog about my thoughts on them! It will be fun...or something. Anywho, Peace everyone!

Ethics....and some sex

So...I was trying to figure out what to blog about and a friend suggested sex. I am not so experienced in this area, so I was like....YEAH RIGHT! But then I got to thinking about it. My Ethics class tends to talk about sex a lot. So while studying for my exam I decided to tell you a little about what we have been talking about.

We learned about a theory called Utilitarianism. The main idea to this is to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. So I am sure you can figure out how 60 college students took that. We quickly got on to the topic of sex and relationships. Okay I lied...just sex. This class is a lot about in class discussions. Anywho, there are two main theorist to this.

Bentham: Which is considered the "hedonistic" approach to Utilitarianism.
He believes that pleasure is in quantity! As much of a good thing as you can stand.

John Stuart Mill: Which is the "refined" approach to Utilitarianism.
He believes that pleasure is in quality.

Needless to say, I learned a little too much about some of the people in my class. WAY too much when we got onto the topic of sex and Bentham.

I really enjoy this class. This is probably a very boring blog. But I like to talk about Ethics and there are so many theories to cover. Hope you learned something!

What I want my summer to be like.

So this is my first blog of BEDA (Blog Every Day April). I really have a boring life so I am going to tell you about what I want to happen this summer.

My ambitions.
1. To have more time to spend volunteering.
-- I used to do it more than once a week and now I haven't done it in over a month. What with school, theater, and trying to figure things out in my life I just don't have the time or energy!

2. To catch up on my 50 book challenge thing.
--Again, with every that I have to do I have been slacking on my reading. I need to catch up on that. I am only on book 13.

3. To take a dance class.
--I haven't taken a professional dance class in a few years and I miss it. Being forced to learn new steps and express myself through my body is always helpful. I don't expect to go right back to where I was dance wise. I know how much work it took to get me there in the first place and I am ready to put some hard work into it again.

4. To do a summer show.
--I really don't care where I do a show. I just really want to do a musical again. I miss them.

5. To reconnect with some old friends.
--There are so many people that have come and gone from my life. I am determined to not let that happen again.

6. To go to Washington state again.
--Sara and I loved it there and we had so much fun. Not to mention we got to see Ahren-pants!

Here are some things I need to do before summer.

1. Get a job
-- My job from last year was taken. I was a Biology tutor.

2. Bring my grades up.
-- Remember when I freaked out if I wasn't going to make Dean's list? Well I can kiss Deans list goodbye this semester. :(

3. Learn my lines for the show.
-- I have to be off book in 2 weeks. *sigh*

4. Get back into making videos.
-- Sara and I have stopped...and we should get back to that.

Heaven and Hell.

So, I am a Christian. I am not so happy with organized religion, but that doesn't make me stop believing. Anywho, I was asked a question on a myspace survey. The question was, "Do you believe in the traditional definition of heaven and hell?" My first thought was, " What is the traditional definition?" I have been going to church ever since I can remember. I have heard many different interpretations of heaven and hell.

This one pretcher of mine a few years ago had told us one interpretation. That in heaven you won't remember what you did on earth or the people that you had once loved and cared about. They will mean nothing to you now. You will just love everyone and accept everyone that is in heaven.

I liked this idea at first. I try to love and accept everyone on earth. But after thinking about it more I started to hate it. What about the people that you left behind when you died?
The people on earth. And not to mention that people that you loved that didn't happen to go to heaven. Thinking about this made me very upset.

I reliezed that I would much rather remember everything that happened to me on earth after I die than just be content with not loving the people that I chose to love while I was alive. Even the thought of forgeting all the bad things that have happened to me does not make me feel content. I will gladly take the good with the bad. As long as I had those good memories.

In conclusion, this depiction of heaven made me be okay with going to hell.